Who's the Boss? When Different Styles Clash at Home
Opposites may attract, but when couples with different decor tastes live together, all design hell can break loose
Julia Fairley
18 November 2018
Chief Sub-Editor and Writer, Houzz Australia and New Zealand. I love design and architecture that is thoughtful, sophisticated and champions an element of the unexpected. Before graduating with a Bachelor of Arts at UNSW and becoming a journalist, I studied interior architecture. For over a decade I have interviewed inspiring creative minds from around the world to write about design in its many different forms. Recently, I have also become an accidental gardener, to everyone's surprise.
Chief Sub-Editor and Writer, Houzz Australia and New Zealand. I love design and architecture... More
The thorny little issue of stylistic differences is one we can all relate to: she likes to decorate surfaces with treasured keepsakes; her partner slanders it as ‘clutter’. He enjoys bookshelves brimming with his favourite tomes; his other half’s blood pressure spikes at the lack of free space. She goes wild for bright colours and wants to wallpaper every edifice; her spouse refuses admission to any object under their marital roof unless it’s black or white. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Decor disagreements have cursed many a household and sent relationships to the brink and back.
In early 2018, Houzz created an informal poll and asked our loyal community who’s the boss at home and how they negotiate stylistic differences. Most of us Houzzers are a civilised bunch: the vast majority of users responded that when faced with a clash of styles, they negotiate with each other and try to find an approach that both parties like. The second most popular option, however, saw users question what ‘style’ we could possibly be referring to regarding their other half and retorted that they were the only person at home with true style so they got what they wanted, regardless.
A small minority of Houzzers reached a stalemate, didn’t end up getting anything and eventually forgot about it. For a sliver of users, the main breadwinner called the stylistic shots. And for an equal minority, whoever spent the most time at home got to decide. Because the poll is still open, the numbers are ever-changing, though it got us thinking about the murky topic of personal tastes and the different ways people navigate these stormy waters.
Cast your vote to view the latest results from Houzz’s poll
Cast your vote to view the latest results from Houzz’s poll
“Heaven help me! It takes my husband and I five minutes to buy a house and two years to choose a rug!” writes one Houzz user.
“I’ve sort of given up, he likes a more uncluttered look (or as he calls them, ‘knik knaks’) – think TV and sofa and he’s fine! Now I bring things home, rearrange the room and he likes it – go figure. I’m sticking with this approach.”
Many other couples adopt this approach as well. It’s not unheard of for a neo-Renaissance aficionado to grow curiously tolerant of their partner’s street art collection or for diehard modernists to feel surprisingly seduced by a little corner of bohemian rhapsody unfolding in the living room.
“I’ve sort of given up, he likes a more uncluttered look (or as he calls them, ‘knik knaks’) – think TV and sofa and he’s fine! Now I bring things home, rearrange the room and he likes it – go figure. I’m sticking with this approach.”
Many other couples adopt this approach as well. It’s not unheard of for a neo-Renaissance aficionado to grow curiously tolerant of their partner’s street art collection or for diehard modernists to feel surprisingly seduced by a little corner of bohemian rhapsody unfolding in the living room.
“Regarding interior design, we clashed from the beginning – often still do!” writes another Houzz user.
“I like colour, filled walls, vibrant rugs – think Mexico. He professes to like the minimalist approach (his illusion. His office and bedside table: an unmitigated mess)… However we’ve mainly reached a compromise now with dashes of colour and bits of neutral space. I give in more and more now and only dig in when it really matters to me. Oddly, he’s now started saying, ‘that looks nice’.”
“I like colour, filled walls, vibrant rugs – think Mexico. He professes to like the minimalist approach (his illusion. His office and bedside table: an unmitigated mess)… However we’ve mainly reached a compromise now with dashes of colour and bits of neutral space. I give in more and more now and only dig in when it really matters to me. Oddly, he’s now started saying, ‘that looks nice’.”
It’s not uncommon for aesthetic decisions to simmer for years on the back-burner while people throw in their two cents worth about the shortcomings of each others’ stylistic opinions and the merits of their own. Sometimes it’s because couples reach a stalemate. Other times playing the waiting game is a tactical move. “While we do tend to compromise, I find that if I wait my partner out, I tend to overrule him and get what I want,” reveals one strategically minded Houzzer.
“It took my ex and I three years to buy a couch, but sometimes we made decisions in an instant,” writes another Houzz user. “Usually we had very similar taste. He would generally do the purchasing because he was more interested in that side of things and has a great eye for colour and style. I’d work out where everything would go because he is spatially challenged and has no idea how to make a space work that feels relaxed and comfortable.”
Tip: Houzz’s free Mood Boards tool lets you mock up an image of your home or room with different products or finishes and generate floor plans or palettes, which can help others visualise your ideas.
Tip: Houzz’s free Mood Boards tool lets you mock up an image of your home or room with different products or finishes and generate floor plans or palettes, which can help others visualise your ideas.
Divvying up roles and decisions according to each others’ strengths can work wonders (unless you appoint yourself head furniture selector and give your other half the singular job of choosing a laundry hamper that will sit out of sight in a dark cupboard). Sharing and dividing responsibilities lets each person have a say and can lead to both parties feeling as though their home is a true expression of themselves.
And herein lies the heart of the matter: making design decisions as a couple is not just about decor and architecture, it can also raise questions about a relationship’s dynamics.
And herein lies the heart of the matter: making design decisions as a couple is not just about decor and architecture, it can also raise questions about a relationship’s dynamics.
When a couple locks horns over decor, it’s often not just the contested object’s colour, style and function that are debated. Respect, equality and power struggles can also come into play.
So next time you’re tempted to tear down your partner’s treasured skateboard collection which adorns the walls (he claims) or sullies them (you claim), consider this before reaching for your crowbar: is this simply a decor disagreement or does the issue run deeper than that? Sometimes it pays to pick your battles (if the design in question doesn’t work out, you might even get to gloat).
So next time you’re tempted to tear down your partner’s treasured skateboard collection which adorns the walls (he claims) or sullies them (you claim), consider this before reaching for your crowbar: is this simply a decor disagreement or does the issue run deeper than that? Sometimes it pays to pick your battles (if the design in question doesn’t work out, you might even get to gloat).
“I believe if you can use both skills and workshop and compromise with each other, then you can always see things and enhance things that the other partner hasn’t seen, and therefore create spaces beyond what either side could ever do alone,” writes one Houzzer who works in design. “If your partner has no creative genes in their body then obviously it’s a one-man- or one-woman-show and you have free rein.”
And if we’re going to be honest instead of diplomatic, don’t most of us find the idea of having free rein secretly tantalising? If you ask me, it’s what design dreams are made of – it sure beats the inconvenience of factoring in a contrary opinion! For couples who have the luxury of space or spare rooms, some stake out their turf and each create their own oasis, negating the need to compromise at all. This is what a husband and wife decided to do when they renovated their home in their Rose Bay, Sydney, and to great effect. Above you see her master bedroom…
…and below you see his. “Having [their] own space meant there were no compromises with colour palettes or finishes,” says Jacinta Woods, co-director of interior design firm Woods & Warner.
“Each has a mid-century influence, while having their own distinctive male and female design schemes.”
Compare the delicate detailing and the breezy, feminine ambience of ‘her’ master bedroom above with the strong solidity and the moody, masculine colour palette of ‘his’ master bedroom here, and the different stylistic preferences are immediately apparent.
Take a virtual tour of this home
“Each has a mid-century influence, while having their own distinctive male and female design schemes.”
Compare the delicate detailing and the breezy, feminine ambience of ‘her’ master bedroom above with the strong solidity and the moody, masculine colour palette of ‘his’ master bedroom here, and the different stylistic preferences are immediately apparent.
Take a virtual tour of this home
Sometimes two people’s opinions are so divergent that the only way to avoid a battle on the home front is to hire a designer and outsource stylistic decisions. Other couples settle for a quid pro quo approach – he gets to hang his black and white photographs of vintage cars in the dining room, she gets to slather the living room with floral wallpaper.
Regardless of whether you fall into the fearless tribe who decide that the term ‘better half’ applies to you (not your spouse) and override their opinion, or whether you simply give in, remember that no couple agrees on everything.
Tell us
How do you navigate design disagreements at home? Like or save this story, share your experiences in the comments and send this article to your other half if it strikes a chord.
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Find an interior designer or decorator on Houzz
Tell us
How do you navigate design disagreements at home? Like or save this story, share your experiences in the comments and send this article to your other half if it strikes a chord.
More
Find an interior designer or decorator on Houzz
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Wow, salt is being spilled in the comments section.
That said, I will probably declare myself the human incarnate of God in an absolutist fit of design rage when I get married.
Like: “Jonathan if you paint ONE stroke of yellow on the walls, both the walls and the ENTIRE ROOM will be coated in deep RED by sundown.”