already made provision for elderly parents to live with us

My mother already lives with us.

mum lives with us already and our knockdown rebuild plan has a separate apartment for her.

Maybe if my parents became a lot easier to deal with!

My mother valued her independence, and with support from her very caring GP , home care , meals on wheels, and home nursing and myself, she managed to stay in her self care unit until she was admitted to hospital, one week before her death. She was very lucky, and it could have ended very differently, I know.
My mother-in-law lives in Sydney, and moving here would take her away from her friends and family. Since we live out of town, and work long hours, if she couldn't drive she would be very isolated. I don't think she would be prepared to make that shift.

ladyrob1, you should be proud to have survived your experiences and shouldn't have felt obliged to look after a mother who caused so much grief at your own expense (regardless of the reason)..Parenthood is supposed to aim at a better life for our children and at least your mum supported your education and you can be satisfied that you did your best for her by finding suitable help...I had my mentally ill father placed into nursing home care, against his wishes and with the disapproval of many, but it was the right decision for us at the time but now my MIL is aging we've invested in purpose built accommodation for her but if her condition deteriorated i would feel quite peaceful about making other arrangements..each case has to be considered by the effect on everyone concerned..good luck to you

We bought a place with a separate bedroom and bathroom for my mother-in-law but her dementia was too far advanced and she couldn't adjust to the strange environment. Meanwhile, we have made changes to our home with our own age in mind for the future so we can be independent as long as possible.

I retired 7 years ago and had to care for an elderly father who died shortly after my retirement. Since then I have been caring for my mum. I have had to move in with her as she was unable to cope with living on her own. I have been dealing with architects, Council, builders for almost 4 years in between caring for an elderly parent-( madness ) . Council consumed 18 months of this process blowing out building costs by 100K. The design of the new place has taken my mothers' needs into account. I am exhausted with it all. I have not had a weekend off in 6 years.

My wife and I had been planning (well, me particularly) to have my 83 year old mother move into our granny flat in 12 months time when we move back to Australia. - until recently that is. Last month, we treated my mum to a week long holiday with us on the Gold Coast. That week convinced me 100% that we should not have my mum lives with us. She is way too demanding and the week that we shared last month convinced me that we need to put our relationship first despite the guilt associated with thinking that we should be there for my mum. Having my mum lives with us would put way too much pressure on my wife (cooking, cleaning, etc), on me (trying to meet my mother's expectations re spending time and running her around) and on us as a couple (by not being able to travel or spend time with each other without feeling guilty) so we have decided instead to try and get mum into an aged care facility that is close to where we will be living. We can then visit her regularly, take her out shopping or for outings, but not be ruled by her. The week with my mum really opened my eyes as to just how hard living with her would be - even if she was in self contained accommodation. Yes we should do what we can for our aging parents, but no, that shouldn't be to the detriment of your own life.

I now own a little house in an over 55's complex.. it's freestanding and comfortable.. I think forward to wanting my son to have his own home so he is currently living with me and we have discussed going in together for a house and land package so that one day he will be set up. It will be his house alone even though I may live there for a while and rent out my own home.. we get along so very well and currently he is thinking to keep me around and look after me in my older age. He hasn't got a girlfriend yet! So things may change when that comes along.. My other son is married with children and as amazing as his wife is I wouldn't want to be a burden on them.. I know she'd have me around anytime. We lived with them for 3 months. At least if I keep my little house I have options! Lets just hope my body and mind holds up so I can stay independent.

P.S I am only 57 so sill a spring chicken!

I personally would not like to live with my children. My children have their own lives and yes they love spending time with me as I do them, but to live with them permanently is a big ask of both parties. I work in Community Aged Care and there is not one client who talks about living with their children. With In Home Care elderly people can manage to retain their independence without the need to totally disrupt their adult children's lives and to give up their privacy etc. We have elderly In Laws in Melbourne and my parents live in Bendigo. We call everyday, are involved with assisting in making medical appointments and providing extra In Home Care for them. We fly down and stay for a week or two each time to make sure that everything is going as it should. They are happy and my husband and I can work and travel as we wish. After raising five children ourselves, if we did not have this time to ourselves, our lives would almost be taken up with caring for others. Caring for elderly parents is a full time job especially with advanced medical treatments. If my mother lives as long as her mother, I will be 78 and still caring for my Mum! On paper is all sounds lovely, but the reality of it is very demanding. Aged care facilities are really a last resort now, it's more about keeping older people in their own homes, where they are happiest.

From the comments above it is clear that every decision depends on a number of considerations. Older people do tend to need familiar surroundings and it is hard to make them comfortable when they are taken away from them. My mother was reluctant to leave her friends and, importantly, her doctor, so she came to stay for a few days at a time which gave me a break from constant travelling, but was able to remain in her much loved little home. I think we all feel guilt from time-to-time, but modern life and the change from living in the same village from generation to generation has really altered the ability to fulfil our own, and others' expectations.

This is a very interesting subject & can be a pretty hard to make a decision. For the past 5 years my mother has been living here with us in a granny flat that was added on. We have 5 acres in domestic/rural area. We already had an existing shed & seeing we were allowed to have quite a number of square metres. We extended the shed to include a granny flat for mum. She has her own mini kitchen, bathroom, lounge room & bedroom, she has sliding door to the back of property where she can look to the dam. She can watch the koalas in the gum trees from her window. Dad lives not 5 minutes away in an over 50's village. He & mum take it in turns doing their cooked lunches. I do both their cleaning & sometimes laundry. We were doing their meals but things had to change due to hubby getting later home from work. We were not able to keep up the 5o'clock meal times they both liked.

The granny flat idea is a far better arrangement than having mum or dad living in the same space. Sometimes even this is impossible & we wonder if we did the right thing. Dad did live with my brother for a time but that did not work out. Living in the village turned out to be the better option for him. Mum & dad are seperated but not seperated, they just can no longer live together in harmony but spend still a great deal of time together. They see each other everyday. They sold their house and split their money & decided to live apart. Both have their health problems, both drive me crazy at times. The local ambos know us all by name & often ask how mum & dad are. They have been here so many times I think the ambulance automatically comes here now. They are both stubborn & refuse to go to hospital when they should so I just leave them to it & walk away, their decision. I dred the thought of them going into a nursing home but they time may come. I am not a nurse of any kind & I have my own health problems to boot. Sometimes I just feel like screaming but I go on.

Sorry I got a bit carried away. The thing with having them so close is we dont have to travel to check on them both. Dad only has to ring & we are there within 5 minutes. So at the moment this is working for us.

On the surface this subject raises quaint images of flowering vine-adorned little granny flats and harmonious extended families 'taking tea' together on the patio surrounded by grandchildren and laughter, visiting care-givers helping the elderly live at home with family, receiving visits from Caregiver services...everyone smiling...but wait, there's more. At a certain stage along the planning process a percentage of us fall foul of the expectations, hopes and idealistic scenarios and maybe, for some, that is because of religious upbringings..."honour they father and thy mother" etc. adding guilt to the already difficult decisions. Housing our elderlies is not an easy topic to bring up for discussion in public because there is no "one way" to address and resolve this issue. I felt that HOUZZ, was a good place to have a discussion about an otherwise difficult and emotional subject that many would be reluctant to approach. On deciding to tell a bit of my own experience I felt that it would open up an opportunity for others battling with the complexities of this problem. So, congrats to all the Houzzers who've had a go at telling their stories here and making the rest of us feel that we are not alone having to deal with this life-situation. Taking care of our elderlies is about much more than building them a comfy granny flat or putting on extentions to our own homes and its not about applying a "One size fits most" solution...( Would that it were all that easy!)

I found that my religious upbringing, coupled with unhappy experiences had with my parent made my final decision ever so much more difficult despite that certain 'rules' no longer applied in my own life....or I thought they did not! I discovered that the religious expectations put on me in my childhood coupled with those of friends and family members had reared their heads from the distant past to make my decisions more difficult. I discovered the power of guilt! Mum did not practise her faith but the rules about children and parents were convenient, those indisputable, fearsome rules to enforce compliance and obedience...or else.... I will never forget the day she quoted her favourite "honour thy father and thy mother" at me just once too often after she'd exacted very severe discipline: : I'd found my indignation at being treated unfairly and, through my bloodied handkerchief I screamed : -"What if thy father and thy mother are not honourable ?"

There was no answer to that question, no hour long lecture to reinforce the point. Again I paid dearly for my retort. This example to illustrate that domineering parents can be very cruel when they call to bear witness to their demnds any rationale that they have inculcated in their children from a religious perspective and a socio/ cultural perspective

So - pondering on wheher we would house our elderlies ( probably meant to call for accomodation suggestions and financial solutions here on HOUZZ) for me, and maybe for others. brought out a dilemma I did not know was there...Obligation irrespectively and Guilt.....they are your parents no matter what. Maybe today I would have guarded more jealously the life I'd won for myself.

My elderly parent lives with me.

OBELISK

Winter came with ice and frost

It crept into the bones and took the life of

One who'd been lost to me because the years had been unkind.

Shadows in the mind took hold of all of

Who'd been once bold and tall.

She vanished from today,

Was banished to the void,

Given to the flames and thrown away,

Nothing remains of her empty years,

At the empty end I had no tears left.

Every life she had touched was broken.

Minds hurtled confusedly into the wilderness where

No words were spoken for thousands of days.

Then they all returned with Death to bring flowers,

Make a pageant and sing praise,

but I had closed the hellish gate,

No flowers, No songs,

Nobody had to wait apon the guilty void

trying to erase the wrongs

.Nothing came to nothing on the earthly plane,

No sign of her existence, no plea,

No headstone with a name...I am her tomb

Single issue of her womb she rests in me.

"Clamavi De Profundis"

From the deep a voice cries:

There is fulness in the void.

Valour born of shadows, Rise!

Dwellers in the wilderness of

Sparse, nomadic mind, blind...

To a living Obelisk of this kind!

For Wendy -5/8/1914 - 7/7/1996

from Ladyrob 1 (c)

Mother-in-law? Yes! Mother? No! I don't get on with my brother and I wouldn't want him visiting Mum at our home, and my mother has done very well at alienating my husband.

But also, only in a granny flat, not in our main family home. My MIL is wonderful but our current space is too small for another resident and we all need our space. We're planning to build one at the moment.

The Granny Flat.

Just some random thoughts... Is the Granny Flat the optimum and kindest solution given that elderlies find it difficult to re-adjust to new surroundings?

Here's one that has not been brought up. My dear old Aunty stayed in her marital home until she was in her 90s with family all living close by who took it in turns to help. Whilst she was still "with it" she organised home help for herself like vacuuming and a gardener etc, but the time came when she became too confused. It was unfortunate that the family would not consider doing things how Aunty wanted when she had the ideal 'set-up". Her house was a typical, gracious (Upstairs-Downstairs) 1800s Queenslander incorporating separate quarters for servants..so very handy for guests and later, I thought, for live-in carers. Unfortunately the family did not consider that their elderly, now widowed mother would have preferred to interview and choose her own helpers and especially "live-in" carers whilst she was still capable of doing this for herself. They organised help in the home for her but gave her very little or no say in who these people were...Further along, for Aunty, it was like having strangers come into the house....and she'd lock them out!

For anyone with similar facilities it would be an ideal solution had Aunty been allowed to choose her own live in carers..and I think that's was the crux of it all falling apart. She could have died at home in familiar surrounds. As nice as is a new Granny Flat, its still a strange place and elderlies like what's familiar. I think the concept of familiar surroundings..(or as many familiar things around as possible) is a very important consideration that could be implemnted without too much difficulty along with allowing the elderly parent to have plenty of input whilst they are still capapble.

Another idea which I thought was rather good was something a widowed friend of mine did...and she had funds enough to do it really well and she thought it out. Whilst she was still independent she purchased an "off the plan" flat in a purposely designed compex and went to live there furnishing it with familiar things...it too had separate quarters for live-in carers...She organised the carer herself moving in with her carer whilst she was still competent although a little physically disabled. (Here I should mention that she sourced her carer from a reputable organisation) She'd been in her flat for about two years when she began to decline but she felt quite "at home" and independent because...she'd set it all up herself. The familiar furnishings, a carer she trusted and liked I believe, were an extremely valuable contribution to her feeling "at home". She died "at home".

ladyrob1: My MIL hated anyone who wasn't family coming anywhere near her home even when she was still 'with it'. Now my FIL lives alone but refuses to pay the heavily subsided $15 for a housekeeper and lives in his own mess even though he is quite well off. There is a reason that we are called the Sandwich Generation: we are caught between elderly parents and still dependent adult children.

My mother, who lives with us, goes to bed at 2pm and gets up at 11am. I can't see her adapting to an aged care home. While she is easy to get along with, we have sacrifuced our own time as a couple. We therefore plan 4 x 3 night breaks per year as respite. She is 90 years old but follows a checklist well. With food prepared, a medi alert around her neck, neighbours at the ready , this system will work well. Just came back from 3 nights at a farmstay in Colac. I think this will be a better system for us.

I think she enjoys the respite from us as well. We haven't taken enough respite in the past which can lead to frustration and lack of perspective. We do go on lots of half days in the countryside though.

My parents have helped us so much during the years so it is something I feel I am honour bound to do. My father died at our home, in our care, as well. I must admit, In circumstances where I had mean parents, my decision would be totally different.

Just finalising the plans for the grannie flat extension for my MIL. She is very excited about moving, sees it as a new adventure. She is very independent and we get along well so I am sure we will be fine. She is very conscious of not interfering and will probably live a quite separate life at least for the next few years. She has several other children she can visit with if we get sick of each or if my husband and I go away.

All of the above sounds very well thought out based on consideration for elderlies.

To leslie14 I really get that about an elderly parent's "body clock"! My Mum would sit up all night to watch TV and then be too sleepy to be ready for the Blue Nurses who would come to shower her. It was very disturbing for me as well. Fortunatly the Nurses saw that the situation became too impossible for me as I was also unwell so other arrangements had to be made. Glad you have nice parents.